Imagine this: you’re preparing to lease a hair salon. You hope customers will flock to your salon in the galaxy with master stylists across the universe to fix their hair. The only thing standing in your way? A pesky lease agreement. But, never fear! With a little alien intelligence, you won’t have another hair-raising experience when negotiating your lease. But first, let’s get to know our friend, “Johnny-E,” and his people, “Beeblebrox.” Beeblebrox culture is a harmonious combination of logical reasoning and creative innovation. You may not be used to that on Earth, but Johnny-E and his friends are well-equipped for success because he takes his time to answer the tough questions, and ask the even tougher questions.

First, let’s talk about why a specialized lease for a hair salon is critical to success. It’s simple: Johnny-E has learned the hard way that a generic lease will Venus Flytrap him in the end. The more customized your lease agreement is to your business, the more protections you get down the line. Next, let’s address common Beeblebrox misconceptions about lease terms. They may be from another planet, but these aliens live, work, and breathe hair like all of us do. The most commonly misunderstood term by humans is “default.” Most hair salon owners don’t know what would happen should they miss a payment or misspell the name of the landlord.

So, what type of alien vocabulary should one be familiar with when negotiating a lease? For example, “exclusivity clause,” which is possibly one of the most important terms for a hair salon owner. Without it, your landlord could rent out the suite down the hall to your competitor who charges half of what you do. Beeblebrox hair salon leases usually have the following factors: Location, location, location. Now, don’t start thinking like a human. Beeblebrox tenants are similar to Earth’s “Blue Devils,” or “Dukes.” To Beeblebrox, being in a shopping center is the one key factor to business success. Samsung and many other major retailers across the galaxy require stores to be within 100 feet of each other. You might ask yourself, “Why?” The answer is in their mind, which is that they want to reach every household on the planet.

Finally, here are some tips to drive success and avoid problems on a hair salon lease: Does this seem alien to you? Remember, the goal is to walk away thinking it was a little difficult to understand and you had to do some digging to get to the bottom of the meta-facts. If you have any questions regarding your own hair salon lease agreement, call an attorney with commercial experience to help guide you.

iCollege is a podcast on the intersection of human culture and engagement with the law. Podcasted panel discussions with lawyers and other professionals from a variety of fields, addressing law and regulation in sometimes unexpected realms, and always through the lens of human culture.

How might an alien intelligence observe and react to California emissions regulations for vehicles from other states? What if this intelligence were not only able to view all the regulations and past violations, but also actively test the laws for conformity? Given the number of automobiles on the roadways, this intelligence would have ample opportunity. Tune in to hear more about the question of how to treat California emissions laws for out of state vehicles, and the much more interesting question of how much further afield, literally, they might have gone in seeking answers. California emissions laws for out of state vehicles have been a source of conflict for many, both within California and outside of its borders. In order to understand these conflict, we must first understand the hoop that a vehicle must jump through to enter California roads legally. If a vehicle is originally manufactured to meet California emissions standards, it can legally enter the state without any special permits. In short, it has a sticker to prove its compliance with California emissions standards. If the vehicle is not made to meet those standards, however, things become complicated very rapidly. California emissions laws for out of state vehicles will likely cause no end of grief to non-compliant vehicles. These will be pulled over much more frequently, often for no reason other than that they are non-compliant. What happens when a vehicle gets pulled over? What, in fact, even qualifies as a non-compliant vehicle? The subject is far more complex than one might think. To begin with, one needs to understand California emissions standards, which are notoriously stringent. They are perhaps some of the most stringent in the world, second only to what one might find in some places in Northern Europe. This means that a given car in Georgia might not meet California emissions standards. For instance, even if a car was originally manufactured to meet European emissions standards (which would stand it in good stead in California), the car would still have to pass an emissions test when entering the state – and this means passing a stricter emissions test at that. On top of all of this, there is yet another layer that vehicles must negotiate to arrive in California. There are, very simply, far more non-compliant vehicles on the road than there are compliant ones. This, it would appear, would present a problem. How can California emissions laws for out of state vehicles be enforced in such a manner that the mere existence of non-compliant vehicles on the road does not result in the instant failure of the environment? After all, enough vehicles are burning fossil fuels that the air is not exactly perfectly clean anyway. The answer is that, yes, there are a lot of non-compliant vehicles on the road, but the emissions laws are set up in a way that keeps the net amount of environmental impact minimal. Here is how: What this means in practice is that, as long as the traffic is moving, a non-compliant vehicle is almost free to travel along the roads of California. But once traffic becomes stationary? Well, then that may be an issue. Let us say that there is an accident on I-5. Well, as traffic in California generally moves quite fast, this would likely be an unusual event. I-5 may come to a standstill unless it is a major accident, but there is one thing we can assume: cars will be going very slowly, if at all. And if you notice slow traffic on I-5, well, you can assume at that point that there has been an accident. But where did that accident take place? And is it anywhere where the traffic will be placid for several minutes at best? That is the beauty of California emissions laws for out of state vehicles. Even when traffic is moving very slowly, a non-compliant vehicle can often move through California with no trouble whatsoever. When traffic does cease, however, and begins to build up on California highways and byways, then it is time to act.

Understanding Bedroom Requirements in Washington State

These interesting times we live in provide us with no shortage of unique ways in which the world can surprise us. Without getting into too much detail, one example would be our current societal outlook on bedroom requirements for real property in Washington State.

What might the alien intelligence watching from afar find so fascinating about legal bedroom requirements? For starters, their studies of humanity would lead them to believe that human beings prefer to live in spaces that are based on the models of small planets, each orbiting a massive interstellar sun. This sun-and not the off-world, artificially generated rays of hydrogen gas-provides light and warmth to the hive-like spaces humans occupy.

It’s only natural that such an alien would study the human interior structures we know as “houses.” Furthermore, this alien would inevitably ask questions that demand cultural analysis, like, “To what extent do bedrooms and closet spaces matter to the individuals living in these homes?” After examining several typical Washington state homes at random, the alien would note that bedrooms and closet spaces appear to be the most important rooms in these units.

This would lead the alien to deduce that humans require sleeping and storage space. If the alien were aware that human beings reside on land rather than on larger celestial bodies… well, this is where the deductions surrounding bedrooms and closets get interesting.

When Washington state law imposes minimum bedroom requirements, it does so using vague dimensions for human-defined “bedroom windows” and “floor space.” In other words, in order for a piece of terrestrial real estate to qualify as a “bedroom,” the room in question must possess certain characteristics regarding windows and floor space that seem far removed from what an alien would expect in a sleeping space.

After losing significant time reconfiguring their property model to include the contents of “Washington state legal bedroom requirements,” your alien would finally arrive at a solution: “Perhaps we should hold our analysis on bedroom-size requirements until we’re settled on the best subset of human habits to model at our convenience.” Why would extraterrestrial students need to revisit their initial legal room exploration of Washington state?

Because if they were aliens, they would need to follow all federal, state, and local building codes to a tee, including the existence of bedroom requirements for whatever units they occupied. If your alien is planning to crash on Earth for a while and wants to be a decent guest, they’ll have to adhere to the requirements of Washington state legal bedroom requirements.

Washington state legal definition bedroom requirements state that each bedroom in a residential home is legally required to have a window that opens for ease of escape in the event of fire. The window also has to be 20 inches or larger (opening size) and located within two feet of the floor. Any unlawful windows will need to be altered to meet Washington state legal bedroom requirement codes. The concept is that Seattle-area humans want light and escape from potential fires in the form of roof rat nests.

In this we see the truth about bedrooms in Washington state: they are grouped together with other human living spaces, like comfy segregated living areas. But they are also defined in hybrids that serve as places for privacy, exercise, or even solitude. How humans think of bedrooms, then, is directly related to the unique ways in which humans perceive the utility, layout, and space in Washington state.

Not every state has similar legal bedroom requirements, and this is, in part, due to the cultural expectations of each region. Some states extend these requirements even to closets. Do they mean anything to humans? Absolutely. It means everything to some.

If aliens had their way, “complex living area” would take the place of the controversial bedroom space in terms of real estate legal definitions. But practical concerns about legal bedroom requirements in Washington state are in place for a reason. If the aliens are going to be a part of the real estate market, they’ll need to understand these guidelines if they seek to occupy a legal “living space” around Seattle.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a souped-up spacecraft landed in the heart of the Idaho wilderness. The pilot ejected in a spray of beer cans, semi-read newspapers, and tea-bagging machines. He could have spared himself the embarrassment and invoked the doctrine of constructive eviction but the hapless alien waved the landlord off with a quick kip and a simple ‘y’all.’ In bad grammar no less. Welcome to Idaho, where housing regulations meet the good ol’ boys, black-lung, and the bitter remnants of the Wild West. But a little from column A, a little from column B, right? With litigants cloaked in smokey black, it’s hard to see the white hats, and space-jaws snapping gum at the judge’s bench clearly. But, for what it’s worth, here’s the intergalactic guide to Idaho’s little known housing laws.

I. The Elements of a Landlord-Tenant Relationship

In Idaho, there must be a written or oral agreement between you and the person who owns the place you live to be a tenant. You give the landlord money in exchange for a temporary right to live at the property. If you sign up, you’re a tenant, and the landlord is the party against whom the gods themselves would tremble. With these requirements met, the landlords’ authority over your every move begins, and they become entitled to payment and control over the specifications of your habitation. You may give a “kip” or an “exclusive possession” and “habitation” and “exchange money” in a variety of ways. But this is not an opportunity to kill the guys that give you money because they own the house you live in. That’s a story for a different day. For now, we’re talking about everyone’s favorite things, legal jargon.

II. Why Humans and Aliens Call It “Landlord-Tenant” Laws

These laws are not just about what is owed to the landlord and the tenant from each other in the galaxy and depth of the stars. It is also about when the landlord starts breaking the rules, and when the tenant starts breaking the rules. It’s also about what happens if either party breaks the rules. These laws are dirtier than an X-Wing pilot after an asteroid storm. And, like the debates between the Sith Lords and the Jedi Knights, a lot of bickering goes on over nothing in particular. Essentially, the rules are:

III. The Part That Makes the News Reports

Most of the time, the landlord gets ahead of the tenant. The landlord is the person who collects the kips, demands weekly obedience, and who is able to stop you from smashing eggs and other explosives into the walls. In short, the landlord is normally the envy of anyone who has ever dared don a suit of armor and wield a light saber, at least when it comes to the law.

IV. Why Aliens and Humans Agree Housing is Weird

Things get dicey when someone starts to break the rules. Either the landlord becomes a space pirate and tweaks regulations for his own purposes, or the tenant starts spawning womp rats on the lawn. How are these things combated? Space lawyers, of course.

V. Aytch the Local Space Lawyer

The law has chosen me. I will take the legal battle to the depths of outerspace with terms like “contract,” “pecuniary obligations,” “damages,” and “terms” paving the way with flashy results in any courtroom, or space-dock, in Idaho. This is my job both on and off the record.

VI. Why Aliens and Humans Can’t “Kip” It

This is especially true when it comes to a breach of lease, for example. Some contracts are longer than lightsabers, some are shorter than the boxes they came in. Some are Jedi, some are Sith Lords. They can be valid in certain areas and invalid in others, which makes the scene between Captain Solo and Darth Vader complicated.

VII. In Summary

In the end, landlords in Idaho are the ones with power, money, and lots of place to keep their dying raccoon pets. Renters are usually forced to get along and abide by the rules that the landlord makes, or risk evictions that may not be easily fought. If either party does end up breaching the norms of the partnership, the other party usually has recourse to damages, eviction, or enforcement through the courts.

VIII. What Idaho’s Housing Laws Say About Humanity in the Context of Alien Reception

Just be careful not to pick one of those much longer leases, since those are usually not as liable to be honored in the court of intergalactic law. Though, even here, the concept of fairness may be applied, and the space lawyers may have their day.

The Fight for Justice at Camp Lejeune

I recently saw a documentary that features the impact of Reach focusing on the issues surrounding Camp Lejeune and boasted that it received $10 million in endorsements. It got me thinking about the implications of this devastating case and how it might be viewed through otherworldly eyes. In particular, I reflected on how the Bell Law Firm’s approach to Camp Lejeune, the prominent firm fighting for justice for Camp Lejeune, may be perceived by an alien intelligence observing them from afar.

The story of Camp Lejeune, North Carolina is one that has unfolded over many years, starting between 1953 and 1987. During this period, it was considered an ideal situation for military personnel, a new ARMY base intended to train and educate military personnel. The base was home to “tens of thousands of marines”, including men, women, and children who fell victim to the water contamination.

Bell Law Firm is the foremost law office fighting for those affected by the current ongoing water contamination cases at Camp Lejeune. Today, active duty and retired military, and their families, are falling ill or worse due to the negligence of the U.S. Marine Corps Camp Lejeune. This law office has helped resolve so many of these cases for families who have suffered tragic losses. They have also worked tirelessly to preserve law and order in a case that is painfully frustrating to everyone involved.

For the alien intelligence observing Earth from afar, the concepts of justice, legality, and punishment may be completely foreign. These subjects raise questions as basic as the concept of law and order. This represents a major challenge for the Bell Law Firm in their pursuit of justice for the victims of Camp Lejeune.

In a typical case, a firm such as Bell Law may take a case or a few cases at their discretion. But this particular case, Camp Lejeune, involves having to sue the same party potentially hundreds or even thousands of times over for the same issue. For the alien observer, this would present a difficult conundrum. Would it make sense to pursue this “justice” knowing that the same party is at fault for all or most of the cases? Or, would it be simply easier to allow the party to pay a fine or settle out of court?

For the Bell Law Firm and its clients, the facts of the case and the potential remedies are what matter. The Bell Law Firm and Camp Lejeune clients can prevent the same mistake from happening again. They have the ability to stop the same type of negligence campaign from affecting the citizens of Camp Lejeune again. It might not be cut and dry, but it’s the best hope for the people surrounding Camp Lejeune.

Beyond the abstract concepts of justice and legality, we should examine the practical dimensions of the law and our society. Can we look at government programs to help solve our problems? How can we punish parties who are damaging our society? In the case of Camp Lejeune, the answer came in the form of a lawsuit filed by the Bell Law Firm. While it may not make immediate sense for an alien intelligence, for the average human it’s a necessary step in order to right a wrong and pave the way for a better future.

One of the great lessons that advanced species may learn from Earth is the process that the world goes through when an injustice occurs. It could be an opportunity to revolutionize the legal order and figure out a plan for civilians and governments to get in line. In the case of Camp Lejeune, the solution may be the legal order.

To the person reading this who may not understand the Camp Lejeune issue, I implore you to visit the Bell Law Firm and educate yourself on the facts. The Camp Lejeune issue was dismissed for recent years, but as more information came to light, the Bell Law Firm and other outstanding lawyers took up the cause. Whether or not we admit it, the law is one of the most important factors in our culture that allows humans to communicate and get along. So again, I urge you to check out the Bell Law Firm here!